WHY I CALL MY WIFE SHOW

The beguiling freak in the photo is the inimitable Mauro Shampoo, whom I suspect had just come last in a Brian May lookalike competition. Apart from being an accomplished hairdresser (hence the pseudonym, presumably), the unkempt oddity is an erstwhile footballing legend with Ibis, from Recife, the Worst Football Team in the World according to the Guinness Book of Records, this title having been bestowed due to their failure to win a game for three straight seasons. Shampoo was their attacking midfield dynamo, ending his career at the club with a remarkable record of one goal in ten seasons.

Since his retirement from the beautiful game, Shampers has taken to the chat show circuit and been the subject of a documentary entitled, “Mauro Shampoo – Footballer, Hairdresser, Man”, which won the Best Short Film - Audience Award at the 2006 Rio Film Festival, amongst other accolades. I first saw him on a late night David Letterman Show clone hosted by Brazilian wit Jô Soares, and I was instantly hooked.

“Show de bola” is an expression in Brazilian Portuguese that, translated literally, means “show of ball” or “ball show”. This is not, as it may first appear, a reference to indecent exposure, but an idiom that normally describes the spectacularity of an event. If the movie you just watched surpassed your expectations, it was “show de bola”, or the abbreviated form, “show”.

The fiendishly inventive Mauro Shampoo uses this expression to describe everything, be it animal, vegetable or mineral. When he speaks, every second word is “show” - people are “show”, places are “show”, he even involuntarily utters “show” out of the blue, without having anything obvious to characterise as being “show”. It’s as if he has a captivating, inoffensive case of Tourette’s Syndrome.

His enthusiasm for all things “show” is maddeningly infectious. Forget New Age positive thinking gurus, Mauro Shampoo has found the key to a happy life – everything is “show”! The man’s psychological insightfulness is inversely proportional to his ability on the football field.

So that’s why I call my wife Show, as a tribute to a hirsute fruitcake who spreads positive vibes through his awkward lack of vocabulary. When we encounter moments of marital tension, as all the best couples do, I just call my spouse Show and soon we are smiling, kissing and making up.

Thank you, Mauro Shampoo – Footballer, Hairdresser, Man.