THE ANTI-CORRUPTION CZAR

Several people have muttered to me over recent years their regret that it wasn’t the British that colonised this part of the world, presumably because, if they had, there would be a greater emphasis given to tea, scones, cricket, alcohol abuse and the growing of decent lawns/grassed areas. Believe me I’ve offered, but it’s a big country for one man to take on, let alone me.

Whilst I lack legitimate political ambitions, if and when I am invited to form a government I do have some radical ideas to shake up local government and rid the creaking system of the endemic corruption that is sadly de rigeur. My only demand would be that I could call myself “Anti-Corruption Czar”, or something with “Czar” in it at least.

Under the current system, public life is little more than a trough into which the greediest and most self-centred elements of society sprint headlong and thrust their insatiable snouts. As local government is run on a mayoral system, continuity is almost impossible, as each new incumbent wishes to leave their mark, immediately dismantling every existing program, however brilliantly planned and executed, and replacing it with something only 50% baked, at the very most. They also habitually sack all existing staff and bring in their own team, a number of whom are always blood relations. The Mayor’s tone-deaf second cousin who once played accordion in a forró combo becomes Secretary for Culture, whilst a brother-in-law who once tiled a bathroom is unveiled as Director of Public Works, and so on.

One of the most dangerous times to drive around small towns is in the weeks following local elections, as invariably one of the new Mayor’s priorities is to muck about with the local traffic system, reversing the direction of one-way streets and installing bus lanes as if they were experimenting with the possibilities of Sim City for the first time. I’m not sure this is entirely what people voted them in for. Also, the Mayors and all their family members suddenly appear to need a fleet of expensive four-wheel drive pick-ups to cruise around in, presumably to reach the outlying districts of their constituencies where the dirt tracks are precarious, and be able to beat a hasty retreat when revolting residents start challenging them or throwing things.

Corruption assumes that there is something, a “normal” system, that gets corrupted, but malpractice has become so widespread and predictable that the corruption is the system, with sometimes surreal consequences. One such case was the Mayor of Lagoa de Velhos, in the state of Rio Grande do Norte, who bought votes in the 2004 elections by giving out free dentures. The inefficiency of the criminal justice system means that, even if perpetrators are shopped to the authorities by political opponents and charged (which is rare, as their accusers are normally just as mired in illegality themselves), seldom do they end up being punished, or even made to return their ill-gotten gains. So, if the threat of punishment isn’t a deterrent, I feel there should be a system that rewards honesty.

Imagine if Mayors were to receive a bonus, let’s say R$ 1 million, at the end of their tenure. This would depend on there being zero corruption among members of their administration during their mandate, and would be payable provided that they fulfilled 100% of the promises made in their election manifesto. This would have the added effect of ensuring that candidates would be rather more down-to-earth than currently in what they promise, and voters would be given a choice between realistic policies and not just idle dreams that never even make it off the back of the envelope where they were jotted down over a glass of pinga. Thus all Mayors would become millionaires for being honest, rather than become millionaires by robbing public funds, and their actions may actually improve the lives of the suffering millions who put their hopes in them.

As a political thinker, I’m no Karl Marx - but I flatter myself that I'm no Groucho, either.

As a political thinker, am I Groucho or Karl? Or Harpo? How would you wipe out corruption, without involving sympathetic elements of the armed forces?