THAT DARN CAT

Whilst I have nothing against felines as a species, I do object to their ungratefulness. Recently a mangy cat fell, or was thrown, into our back yard and we had a hell of a job, that lasted over an hour, manhandling it through the house and out the front door without contracting an exotic zoonotic ailment as it struggled, scratched and bit as we approached the cauldron. Show said that the strange creature gave her the willies, it was so thin and had larger-than-necessary eyes.

Not five minutes later it was back mewing in the back yard again, clearly keen for a second chance to pass Feline panleukopenia to its unsuspecting saviours. Another half an hour's struggling and it was out the front door again.

Since then, there have appeared cat-style footprints on the bonnet of our white car every morning, normally leading up the windscreen and over the roof. "The scamp," we thought. Now things have escalated alarmingly.

Every morning we awake to find cat's business on the front of our vehicle. Not a little, a lot. It like he's inviting his whole family over, the evil little freak. Show, late as usual for an appointment with a wealthy client, sped off a couple of days ago without noticing the cat muck all over the shop, hardly conveying the slick, clean image of the stylish interior designer that has become her hallmark.

My question is: without resorting to unnecessary/expensive violence, is there anything that can dissuade the cat population from defecating in inappropriate places? You know, three parts Coca Cola, one part vinegar and three teaspoons of cement mix, spread in a circle around the area, or something.

Any help would be appreciated, before I set the dogs on 'em.