Notes from the TEFL Graveyard

Wistful reflections, petty glories.

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Location: The House of Usher, Brazil

I'm a flailing TEFL teacher who entered the profession over a decade ago to kill some time whilst I tried to find out what I really wanted to do. I like trying to write comedy (I once got to the semi-finals of a BBC Talent competition, ironically writing a sitcom based on TEFL), whilst trying to conquer genetically inherited procrastination... I am now based in Brazil, where I live with my wife and two chins.

Saturday 13 October 2007

EX-TEFL TEACHERS DON'T MAKE GOOD SOLDIERS - PART 1

Being commissioned into The Army is not an obvious career move for a TEFL teacher, but it is a measure of my desperation to scale the wall of the TEFL Graveyard and bolt that, for a time, I considered it the most propitious. In a life replete with many a poorly planned venture, this was, by several furlongs, the most gloriously preposterous. Fortunately for the defence of the realm, the assembled officers at the Regular Commissions Board in Westbury concurred wholeheartedly. Indeed, I suspect that, twelve years on, more than a few of them are still dining out on my laughably limp performance during the gruelling three-day selection process.

My unhealthy obsession with all things military started when I was a child. Whilst my contemporaries were into Marvel comics, 2000 AD and superheroes, I used to read Warlord, which was full of Second World War battles and other assorted slaughter. I also spent vast amounts of time and money on the quite pointless hobby of military modelling.

By the time I reached University, I hadn’t grown up any. As a Fellwalking Club stalwart, I loved nothing better than to rise early on Sundays, don a backpack, galoshes and a souwester, and wander around the north of England for four or five hours in appalling, miserable weather. Becoming a military officer seemed the obvious next step. Conveniently ignoring the fact that I could well be coming under a fatal hail of heavy machine gun fire or a lethal mortar barrage, I fancied that a career in the armed forces was nothing more than a heavily-armed form of rambling.

I never managed to convince myself one hundred per cent of my suitability for earning the Queen’s shilling, however – another case where my endearing leaning towards procrastination was given full rein. However, in an uncharateristically enterprising moment, I did once arrange an interview with the Royal Navy Careers Officer – I’d always fancied travelling around the world, and of course there was the added bonus of routinely being piped on board ship.

My interlocutor was an athletic blonde who seemed to fill the entire room, as most forces types do. I was feeling unaccustomedly buoyant.

“So, how’s the course going?” he boomed.

“Excellently,” I barked back, “to be honest, I’ll be disappointed if I don’t get a two-one.” He raised an eyebrow and nodded approvingly.

“I’ve worked hard and I think I deserve it,” I added, exuding an alien self-confidence that almost, but not quite, spilled over into self-satisfaction.

“So, are you going to apply?” he bellowed as we wrapped up our no-nonsense shouting match.

“I think so,” I retorted.

We exchanged a bone crushing handshake, I took the forms he proffered, turned on my heel and marched purposefully home. When I arrived I went upstairs to my room, inexplicably put the application forms straight in the bin and had a lie down for the rest of the afternoon.

But that was far from the end of my martial ambitions.


PART TWO TO FOLLOW SHORTLY...


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5 Comments:

Blogger El Gringo Vasco said...

Brilliant!

14 October 2007 at 15:04  
Blogger El Gringo Vasco said...

It reminds me of Flashman.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flashman_%28novel%29

15 October 2007 at 01:49  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Only the other day we were standing around in the teachers' room slagging off the Japanese for reading crap comics and saying "When we were young we didn't read any of this rubbish, we used to read... Warlord!? Shit, had totally forgotten about that!"

Another great antidote to the "the great thing about the British is that we aren't patriotic" bollocks

TEFLtastic blog- "All the truth that's fit to teach"- www.tefl.net/alexcase

15 October 2007 at 10:42  
Blogger M C Ward said...

EGV - I like the look of that Flashman fellow. Those whiskers are definitely me, especially if they help me to find women to dangle around my legs.

AC - Warlord was classic reading. Remember Union Jack Jackson, a limey who fought with the US Marine Corps? I think there was a sniper who was a crack shot, and some pilots. I had several Christmas Albums too. Then there was the Warlord Club, which reminds me, my membership's up for renewal...

16 October 2007 at 00:34  
Blogger Wally Windsor said...

Mmm, my member's been up for renewal a good while, bit still no takers!

Actually, on the subject of childhood comics, I guess I must have missed out on the interim stage, as I went directly from the 'Rupert the Bear Weekly' to 'The Sun'. When I was 19.

18 October 2007 at 13:30  

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