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WARDY'S BRAZILIAN TRAVEL TIPS

Special Brewman has enquired how the singing Poles are getting on with the brasileiras.


Whilst I haven’t received word, I did prepare a list of travel tips for them before they moved on, with a view to helping the travelling minstrels avoid problems on their tuneful odyssey.


To make them easy to memorize, you will note that I cunningly crafted them into rhyming couplets:


  1. IF THERE’S A GUN POINTING AT YOU, ACT LIKE A STATUE. Rio de Janeiro may be the Cidade Maravilha, but it plays host to the largest number of armed juveniles in the world outside a war zone, beating areas of conflict such as the Occupied Territories. Tragic but true.

  1. IF HE’S GOT A KNIFE, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE. Disclaimer: Tourists should be circumspect when using this advice near travelling circuses, as knife-throwing acts are still popular in Latin American big tops.

  1. IF SHE’S GOT PECS, BEWARE THE SEX. It’s easy to make this mistake – sometimes you just can’t tell the difference, as footballing legend Ronaldo will testify, after getting all confused with three different sets of them.

  1. IF SHE’S HIS SISTER, CALL HIM MISTER. Brazilians can be very protective of their delicious siblings, especially in small towns with lax application of gun laws and wilfully neglectful law enforcement agents.

  1. IF SHE’S ALMOST BARE, TRY NOT TO STARE. Women’s beach volleyball may be the best sport ever invented, but you may need to dig a strategically-placed hole in the sand when lying on Copacabana beach learning the rules.

  1. IF SHE THINKS YOU’RE FUNNY, SHE WANTS YOUR MONEY. If you’re not normally considered funny, beware!

  1. IF SHE STARTS PLAYING, SHE’S GONNA NEED PAYING. Not always the case, but don’t be caught short.

  1. IF HE’S WEARING A HAT, LOSE THE TWAT. A reference I have previously made to the correlation between hat wearing and idiocy in traffic. Baseball caps are the clearest sign of a fool at the wheel, followed in descending order by the Stetson, the fedora, the occasional deerstalker and, in winter, the bobble hat.

I'm thinking of turning these tips into a reasonably-priced e-book. Or you can just send me the money before reading them, if that's more convenient.


Have you got any rhyming travel tips for where you live?

Comments

Gadjo Dilo said…
IF HER GOAT'S BETTER LOOKING, SHE'S GOOD ENOUGH AT COOKING
Plain, homely women are a delight over here: they will concentrate on making nourishing food and mending your clothes without complaint.

IF HIS AFTERSHAVE'S VILE, RUN LIKE A MILE.
Same with driving and baseball caps, I'm sure: extra-strength aftershave seems a very reliable measure of dodginess.

HER SKIRT'S REALLY SHORT, BUT SHE'S NOT AN ESCORT
The summer sun turns every peasant wench instantly into a Cheeky Girl, and this doesn't signify at all that she's on the game.

IF HIS GUARDDOG'S HEINOUS, HE'S GOT A SMALL PENIS.
Just a guess, but I hope it's true.

I'm happy to send you the money, MC, but can I get a discount 'cos I made some more up??
19 September 2008 at 14:24
Well-lighted Shadows said…
I´ve just read ´A Death In Brazil´, by an Aussie guy, it was full of good advice about Brazil, would really like to vist the north-east. My two week holiday in Brazil a couple of years back fell into all the usual traps - I was robbed at night outside Help Disco (not the best place to meet a nice young lady) down at Copacabana, and then spent a while in Buzios wondering where all the girls were - place seemed to be full of guys in speedos.

Also fell into hoping the Spanish would be like the Portuguese with brasileña, I stand corrected - and I don´t now use the ñ out of pretension, my Chilean flatmate has restored my virus racked machine with Spanish windows - five bucks to the guy who can find me the blasted arroba.

Finally, nice to read a bit of poetry.
21 September 2008 at 08:16
No Good Boyo said…
Elegant and true, like the Book of Proverbs.

IF YOUR HOUSE SMELLS OF BALES, YOU'RE BACK HOME IN WALES

If the Welsh don't already live in fields they like to bring chunks of them into the house.

IF IT'S SARDINES AGAIN, GET BACK ON THE PLANE

The Portuguese diet is vile and their language a chore. Try Spain, it's next door.

YOU LIKE THE WOMEN, TAKE PENICILLIN

Southeast Asia has a fascinating culture. Just don't let it grow in your groin.
21 September 2008 at 10:22
M C Ward said…
Excellent work, gennamen. I feel more comfortable about visiting your respective motherlands now.

Gadjo, I'm intrigued to know how one runs "like a mile"... ;-)
21 September 2008 at 22:50
Gadjo Dilo said…
"Run a mile", sorry. I'm glad to see that the TEFL teacher in you never sleeps ;-)
22 September 2008 at 01:54
M C Ward said…
Oh so true. It's all them nightmares.
22 September 2008 at 07:13
Mrs Pouncer said…
Andere Lander, andere Sitten, as dear old Marlene used to say. This is too funny for words. And to think I was feeling so deraillee earlier today. Now I have completely recovered.
22 September 2008 at 14:23
Kevin Musgrove said…
DEPRESSED IN THE RAIN? IT'S ST. HELENS AGAIN
It's alarming how many English towns work metrically as a substitute.

NO FOOD, NO DRINK, YOUR FEET ARE FROZEN. YOU'RE NO GOOD HERE, IT'S HALF-DAY CLOSING!
Although parts of Shropshire seem to roll up the carpet for half the year.

'TWO CHOC ICES, MISS?' LET'S SEE WHO TAKES THE PISS...
A lad I knew at Uni once made the mistake of winding his window down when flagged down on a country lane and coming up with the witty sally. The gentlemen of the police retorted playfully: had they thought of coffee enemas back then I'm sure they would have done it.

IF IT LOOKS LIKE A SACK OF SPUDS, SOUNDS LIKE A SACK OF SPUDS AND RIDES LIKE A BIKE, IMAGINE JUST WHAT IT'S MUM LOOKS LIKE
I actually heard that one in a lift in the Town Hall.

HTH!
22 September 2008 at 19:13
Mrs Pouncer said…
Kevvers!! No, no more!! You boys are excelling yourselves! I am shrieking!!!
23 September 2008 at 07:59
M C Ward said…
Nice work indeed, Kevin. This could become a whole new blog - the type with lists that appears on Google's Blogs of Note section. It could be called Crossing Borders? Follow These Orders.

A man can dream... and so can I.
23 September 2008 at 09:23
Gadjo Dilo said…
...a whole new blog...? It could be a whole new book, MC!! There's stupidier stuff than that gets published - and it should be easier money than TEFL.
24 September 2008 at 02:18
No Good Boyo said…
Some ex-Sovbloc tips:

HAIR FALLING OUT AND EYES FULL OF PUS? YOU'VE VENTURED TOO FAR INTO SOUTH BELARUS.

Chernobyl is just one more disadvantage that country has to endure.

DON'T MENTION THE WAR WHEN YOU SUP WITH THE LETTISH, THE SS DID THEIR JOB SO LET'S NOT GET PETTISH.

Excessive enthusiasm for the Nazi-Soviet pact marked some elements of Baltic society.

LAP-DANCING AND PORK FAT WILL KEEP A MAN SANE. BA FLIES DIRECTLY TO KIEV, UKRAINE.

That entry was sponsored by the Ukrainian Ministry of Tourism and Matrimony.
27 September 2008 at 03:17
Gadjo Dilo said…
...the Ukrainian Ministry of Tourism and Matrimony. Ah yes, I've heard though that Kherson is the sweetest honeypot for this activity. (A friend told me, you understand).
27 September 2008 at 03:41
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