Notes from the TEFL Graveyard

Wistful reflections, petty glories.

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Location: The House of Usher, Brazil

I'm a flailing TEFL teacher who entered the profession over a decade ago to kill some time whilst I tried to find out what I really wanted to do. I like trying to write comedy (I once got to the semi-finals of a BBC Talent competition, ironically writing a sitcom based on TEFL), whilst trying to conquer genetically inherited procrastination... I am now based in Brazil, where I live with my wife and two chins.

Tuesday 2 September 2008

SOMECHANCE FILM FESTIVAL

The excellent Gadjo Dilo has come up with a festival of films that should be/should have been made. Clambering onto the bandwagon, here are my entries:

MISSISSIPPI GURNING
Hardboiled cop Gene Hackman and idealistic sidekick Willem Dafoe head to the deep south to tackle inherent ugliness in the redneck population. Hackman's unorthodox methods include intimidation and grabbing people by the clangers under tables, much to the by-the-book Dafoe's chagrin. The masked people with pointy hats turn out not to be Klu Klux Klanners but a fringe and highly dangerous band of gurning competition organisers, and webmasters at mingers.com.

FROM BEER TO MATERNITY
What really happened to Deborah Kerr after that roll on the beach with Burt Lancaster - unemployment, a council house in Wooton Bassett and liver disease brought on by drinking alcopops. Could be used in schools in teenage pregnancy prevention campaigns, if I were paid loads of money for the rights.

MY LEFT FOOT M.P.
The ultimate biopic telling the life story of sartorially-challenged ex-Labour Party leader, The Right Honorable Michael Foot. His youth, his going up to Oxford and subsequent rise to the summit of British politics, including the story behind that Remembrance Day parade when he turned up in a shabby duffle coat buttoned up in the wrong holes, and lost the following General Election.

DEBBIE DOES DIXONS
A late night treat for fans of tasteful erotica and household gadgets. Debbie gets trapped overnight by floodwater in a branch of Dixons, the low priced electricals store, after an apocalyptic breach of London's Thames Barrier, and wanders around the store in her lingerie testing the electrical goods. I imagine Dixons would be only too happy to finance it, for the positive publicity it would bring.

14 Comments:

Blogger Gadjo Dilo said...

Inspired!! I'm enjoying these lists more than ones of real films :-) From Beer to Maternity: exactly... the sort of film they should show you when you're young but never do. A whole film about gurning should be made - though I suspect that the gurning capital of the world is not Mississippi but Lancashire (apologies to Kevin). Debbie Does Dixons - yes indeed - and I hear there's a whole industry devoted to making films with names that are derived saucily from those of other films. Michael Foot could star in a film called Michael Does Milletts.

Wooton Bassett sounds like a rather nice place to live, but I'll take your word for it.

3 September 2008 at 08:38  
Blogger No Good Boyo said...

Seconded. Debbie Does Dixons has been made already, I'm sure. I certainly saw something like it on Austrian cable TV once. Which I only watched for the John Updike interviews, of course.

4 September 2008 at 02:33  
Blogger Mrs Pouncer said...

MC! I have just been to Gadjo's and left a fulsome comment re his film festival, but now I see yours and (Gadjo don't read this) quite honestly, I laughed even harder, and felt even more inadequate. I really can't keep up with your powers of inventive hilarity. Big kiss xx

4 September 2008 at 06:22  
Blogger Gadjo Dilo said...

You slag. I told you he was good though didn't I.

4 September 2008 at 07:34  
Blogger M C Ward said...

I'm sure you're right about Debbie... There was a rumour that there was erotica made about Manchester United star Ryan Giggs called Shaving Ryan's Privates (geddit?), but it may well be apocryphal. Mrs P, thanks for your kind comments. As I was shamelessly piggy-backing on Gadjo's idea, he deserves a lot of the credit. And I mean piggy-backing in an asexual sense there.

4 September 2008 at 09:31  
Blogger Gadjo Dilo said...

We're getting quite luvvie-ish here aren't we - darling you were wonderful - though every word is true, don't get me wrong; but maybe we need somebody to bring us down to earth and remind us of what flawed human beings we are .... calling Mrs Boyoooo.

And the piggy-backing's fine, don't worry.

4 September 2008 at 15:08  
Blogger M C Ward said...

It's true, but you're just so generous, and a pleasure to write bollocks with. Lovely, lovely Gadjo. Maybe we can do the Scottish Play together one day, if our agents get their fingers out.

4 September 2008 at 15:56  
Blogger Gadjo Dilo said...

Ah, I've got a warm feeling coming all over me... oh, no, that's Mrs Pouncer - get off me, woman!!

4 September 2008 at 16:40  
Blogger Kevin Musgrove said...

Wonderful stuff. "From Beer To Maternity" should be on an endless loop on the Hallmark Channel.

4 September 2008 at 21:00  
Blogger Mrs Pouncer said...

Now it's Kevver's turn! What a wonderful comment - funny and apposite. (I take your grizzled head to my bosom and blow gently in your ear). xxxx

5 September 2008 at 04:23  
Blogger Can Bass 1 said...

And what, pray, about My ear?

5 September 2008 at 06:30  
Blogger Gadjo Dilo said...

Ooh, she's after Kevin now! You'd better watch this one, Kev... and Mr Can Bass. I'd probably take her back though, 'cos deep down I 'spose I still luv 'er.

5 September 2008 at 08:05  
Blogger Mrs Pouncer said...

Mr Can Bass is safe. He has the air of sanctity about him .... but if he would like to step behind this rood screen for a minute ....

5 September 2008 at 10:55  
Blogger Mrs Pouncer said...

Mr Can Bass is safe. He has the air of sanctity about him .... but if he would like to step behind this rood screen for a minute ....

5 September 2008 at 10:56  

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