SOMECHANCE FILM FESTIVAL

The excellent Gadjo Dilo has come up with a festival of films that should be/should have been made. Clambering onto the bandwagon, here are my entries:

MISSISSIPPI GURNING
Hardboiled cop Gene Hackman and idealistic sidekick Willem Dafoe head to the deep south to tackle inherent ugliness in the redneck population. Hackman's unorthodox methods include intimidation and grabbing people by the clangers under tables, much to the by-the-book Dafoe's chagrin. The masked people with pointy hats turn out not to be Klu Klux Klanners but a fringe and highly dangerous band of gurning competition organisers, and webmasters at mingers.com.

FROM BEER TO MATERNITY
What really happened to Deborah Kerr after that roll on the beach with Burt Lancaster - unemployment, a council house in Wooton Bassett and liver disease brought on by drinking alcopops. Could be used in schools in teenage pregnancy prevention campaigns, if I were paid loads of money for the rights.

MY LEFT FOOT M.P.
The ultimate biopic telling the life story of sartorially-challenged ex-Labour Party leader, The Right Honorable Michael Foot. His youth, his going up to Oxford and subsequent rise to the summit of British politics, including the story behind that Remembrance Day parade when he turned up in a shabby duffle coat buttoned up in the wrong holes, and lost the following General Election.

DEBBIE DOES DIXONS
A late night treat for fans of tasteful erotica and household gadgets. Debbie gets trapped overnight by floodwater in a branch of Dixons, the low priced electricals store, after an apocalyptic breach of London's Thames Barrier, and wanders around the store in her lingerie testing the electrical goods. I imagine Dixons would be only too happy to finance it, for the positive publicity it would bring.