Notes from the TEFL Graveyard

"Take that dog turd home with you!" my elderly, mentally unstable neighbour screeched at me yesterday from the roof of her garage after my hound c ompleted his toileting on the grass verge in front of her house , "or I'll call the Municipal Guard!" Her husband helped out by jumping up and down and wildly gesticulating for me to head further up the road, as if clearing the area in the face of a garbled threat of a car bomb . When my father-in-law heard about the incident, he recommended that I greet the deranged couple with obscene gestures , but in fact I calmly went home, got a plastic bag, returned to the scene of the carnival, collected my hound's deposits and gracefully returned them to my abode, as recommended by the flipped-out partnership. Having already poisoned another dog in the neighbourhood to death, I am keen not to provoke the wild-haired old loon further, and by maintaining a sense of dignity in the face of verbal assault , I came out of the i...

I forgot to pass on the 12 films for 12 nights challenge. I hereby invite, nay compel, the following to spout forth: Special Brewman Mrs Pouncer Mme de Boyo Rotus Let's see what the ladies make of it. (That wasn't a backhanded insult Special Brewman / Rotus)

CRASH – Paul Haggis, 2004 A recent Oscar winner, this movie provided one of the strangest filmgoing experiences I’ve ever had. Essentially a study of racial prejudice in all its forms, I hated the first half and almost stopped watching, as it just seemed a series of depressing stories about bigoted people dissing each other . But I held on, and was glad I did. Gradually the script masterfully intertwines the disparate tales and shows each character passing through an epiphany that makes them question their own attitudes and beliefs. For a mainstream film, I thought it remarkably subtle and clever. Favourite line: It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something. AMERICAN BEAUTY – Sam Mendes, 1999 Utterly predictable, but I have to include it as one of my ...

DIVA – Jean-Jacques Beineix, 1981 Like many of my generation, my bedroom wall at University featured a poster of big-knockered French actress Beatrice Dalle in the film Betty Blue , the cult student classic of the early nineties. The same director debuted with this film in 1981, and for me it is far superior. I first watched it after reading in Smash Hits magazine that it was Duran Duran keyboardist Nick Rhodes’ favourite film, as a confused fifteen-year-old . Despite being French, it’s the epitome of the stylish thriller, and actually manages to make opera cool. The story of a Parisian postman who inadvertently gets into trouble with two different underworld organisations at the same time, it’s beautifully shot and has a surprisingly classy script. Beatrice Dalle doesn’t feature, but to be honest, this movie does very well without knockers, big or otherwise. Favourite line: Quelque chose artistique et francaise. LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA – Crint Eastwood, 2006 Another unashamedly mainstr...

Taking up No Good Boyo's challenge, here are some motion pictures I consider worth watching. As I have indicated before, I often can't remember films minutes after I've watched them, so I'm going to struggle to come up with twelve, but here's my first four: HUD - Martin Ritt, 1963 I challenge any thirty-something man to watch this film and not feel an urge to get into shape and start swaggering around in a white vest, as Newman's towering performance as the cynical, womanising drunkard, Hud, bewitches us all. One of his lesser-known roles, the blue-eyed wonder dominates every scene, as he battles with his idealistic father for his share of the family cattle farm. Apart from a few dodgy moments of acting drunk, his rasping, bullish performance is surely one of his best. Favourite line: How many honest men you know? You take the sinners away from the saints, you're lucky to end up with Abraham Lincoln! HANNAH AND HER SISTERS - Woody Allen, 1986 My father-in-l...

Can anybody name another country, apart from Brazil, where one of their Olympic competitors has a nickname deriving from a children's TV character emblazoned on the back of her shirt , rather than her real name, due to some vague-to-unidentifiable resemblance? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Fofão (Big Softy/Cutie, right), and a Brazilian ladies volleyball player, real name unknown (left).

The British, for those who love simplistic generalisations, can be broadly divided into two camps - the pro-Europeans , and the more or less xenophobic . The former can be found sitting outside cafés around Britain in sub-zero temperatures sipping a latte macchiato and moaning about the cold in a forlorn attempt to recreate a recent camping holiday in Riccione , where they sat outside seafront cafés and moaned about the heat. They use a GB sticker on their car with the European Union stars on it , and enjoy using the Euro as something far simpler than dealing with tens of thousands of lire. They are the kind of people who become Host Families for foreign students (at least until the henpecked husband starts developing a muted but rather obvious crush on the latest Russian madame ). The latter, on the other hand, demonstrate a love for tweed and Barbour jackets , shooting things, Land Rovers and an almost erotic relationship with the pound sterling . Both groups are driven largely by ...

It's taken me a while, but being a man of my word, I've come up with a list of eleven reasons to suck TEFL and see. I also dashed this one off during a student-free evening, which, if it hadn't been for the 30-minute drive each way through a raging thunderstorm to get there and back, would have warmed my cockles greatly. So, here they are, my list of vaguely reasonable reasons why TEFL isn't as bad as I moan about it being. The opinions expressed below do not represent the opinions of anybody, living or dead or the living dead in TEFL, except my good self. 11 REASONS TO SUCK TEFL AND SEE (IN RANDOM ORDER) Most, if not all, jobs are worse in some way ; You will have the opportunity to travel and make a living , either to avoid impending legal proceedings or for a simple love of the open road; You will have the opportunity to develop the patience of a saint , which, we are informed, is a virtue. Alternatively, you can see your work as an opportunity to show kindness , whi...

I love the friends I have gathered together on this thin raft We have constructed pyramids in honour of our escaping ... So opined the Lizard King himself, in one of his weed-induced attempts at shamanistic incoherence , shortly before spinning around the stage wailing and flashing local bobbies, no doubt. But I dig his meaning, for once. My blog is a thin raft and the fact is, since I launched myself into my auto-induced sabbatical, I've found that I miss my friends (I hope I can call you friends) that have gathered here. The bit about the pyramids we can ignore. I awake wondering if Gyppo Byard is going to reveal more about his father , the left-handed engineer. I pine for more about life as a nimble ex-stutterer in Romania , I wonder what Mrs Pouncer is chattering on about now , I'm eager to keep up with the Boyos , as part of their one- / two-handed readership. Special Brewman's series entitled Bums I Have Known (sadly/fortunately using the American meaning of the wor...