WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?

If there’s one thing Brazilians are outright world leaders at, it’s naming their offspring. There’s little you can do except get down on your knees in rapture and pay homage to the laissez-faire attitude with which they apply themselves to the often predictable act of christening their young.

On my travels I have identified three broad categories of name giving, being: (1) the perverted surname as first name - Washington, Wellington, Nelson, Anderson, etc, (2) the bastardised famous name - Adolpho Hitler de Oliveira, Charles Chaplin Ribeiro, Elvis Presley da Silva, Hericlapiton da Silva, Ludwig van Beethoven Silva, Maicon Jakisson de Oliveira, Marili Monrói, Marlon Brando Benedito da Silva, Sherlock Holmes da Silva, and (3) the totally made up name - Oderfla (read it backwards to discover her father’s name), Vanderju (presumably a combination of Vanderson and Juliana), Fridundino Eulâmpio, Rocambole Simionato (Meatloaf Simoniato) and Letsgo Daqui (yes, that really is “let's go”, with Daqui meaning “from here”).

When I worked in the metallurgical factory one of the jobs my colleagues least relished was opening the hundreds of envelopes containing CVs that had arrived by post or had been delivered by hand the previous day. For me, it was the highlight of my morning. I found locally a Kekerosberg Guimarães, a Michael Jackson de Oliveira Pinto and the truly blessed Raylander Ribeiro Vicentini (“R” at the beginning of a Brazilian word sounds like an English “H”, with “ay” sounding like “aye” – thus the couple in question had effectively named their son and heir “Highlander Ribeiro Vicentini”, presumably moments before being relieved of custody of him by the local authorities).

One of the several moments when I got into hot water with my boss was when he told me to call Edmilson Sanchez Carvalho for an interview. I found his CV, called him, he participated in the selection process and was eventually employed. Only then did my boss berate me for calling the wrong man – there were two brothers, Edmilson and Ednilson, and I’d called the latter instead of the former. It proved a wise move by his parents to just change one letter in their names, as we were then obliged to call the correct sibling and employ him too. Quite the visionaries.

One of Show’s friends works in a bank. One day he was talking to a customer about a loan and he couldn’t understand the man’s Christian name. When he asked him to fill out the paperwork, the fog lifted – he was, of course, Waltdisney Novaes (pronounced "Valdiznay").

Here are a few of my other favourites, with a translation where appropriate:

Disney Chaplin Milhomem de Souza

Ernesto Segundo da Família Lima (Ernest Second in the Family Lima)

Chevrolet da Silva Ford

Caius Marcius Africanus

Bispo de Paris (Bishop of Paris)

Barrigudinha Seleida (Tubby Seleida)

Bizarro Assada (Bizarre Roast)

Antônio Querido Fracasso (Anthony Dear Failure)

Aeronauta Barata (Airman Cockroach)

Janeiro Fevereiro de Março Abril (!)

And finally...

José Casou de Calças Curtas (Joseph Married in Short Trousers)

All hail!